Amarillo Texas 34 Hour Reset - I recently had to take a 34 hour reset in Amarillo, Texas where I was bored to tears. I do try to take my 34 hour resets at home to maximize my comfort and get some things done including seeking a long term relationship with some honey who is not a witch (unless she's wicked hot with good thigh gap and a grade A camel toe), Satan's daughter with 4 or 5 personality disorders, or possessed by 27 demons who takes several different psychotropic drugs (more about this later when time permits and the webmaster allows me to write without censoring me) but it happens sometimes that I must take a 34 hour on the road. Here are a few tips for you guys/girls who happen to get stuck in Amarillo, Texas for more than just your 10 hour break.
Amarillo, Texas is stuck between the middle of nowhere and the middle of nowhere. Located off of I-40 for east and west and Highway 287 for north and south (among other major connecting US highways) it is a common stop over for many travelers including truckers. It has several truck stops including Loves, Flying J, Pilot, TA and some others. If you are a coast to coast trucker then you should be familiar with Amarillo and the truck stops located there. In the Texas panhandle, the weather is hot in the summer and cold in the winter (Duh!!) At certain times of the year be careful of high winds. I've spent many times driving across Oklahoma and the Texas panhandle with my butt hole puckered hoping my truck would not blow over. I've experienced nothing worse except the Santa Ana winds in California where I actually saw a truck blow over. Oh, and Wyoming a few times crossing Cheyenne mountain into Laramie.
Amarillo is home to one of the largest meat processing plants in the USA and the only place in the USA that assembles and disassembles nuclear weapons (see Pantax). Hopefully, the two share nothing in common except geography. I would also like to mention that it is difficult to find any place in Amarillo that doesn't smell like a stock yard (trying to be nice but cow dung if you know what dung is) especially in the summer. Visiting Amarillo is akin to having a wife who is a cold fish. Once in a while, perhaps after watching some sappy movie like Titanic, she warms up to you and wants you to perform your manly duties. For years she emasculated you and turned you into, well something man-less. Kind of like a gopher hiding in the gopher hole, you cautiously stick your head up to see what's going on (the same way that turd sneaks up on you when you are 10 miles from the next pickle park or fuel stop). The act of passionate, wholesome lovemaking is foreign to you but you meander ahead like Daniel Boone did in the Cumberland Gap, very cautiously almost tiptoeing. If you proceeded as a man should, like a valiant knight drawing your sword with confidence she might dethrone you causing the sword to shrivel like a deflating balloon. As you enter the city limits of Amarillo, you can unshakably and confidently proclaim, "Amarillo, brace yourself!! I have arrived!!!" However, it may be a good thing to keep your sword in your sheath lest Amarillo's finest throw you in with the drunks.
Amarillo Texas 34 Hour Reset - The Big Texan
If you are hungry and are tired of the regular truck stop fare where Subways have popped up like an Ebola virus in the Congo then you can call the Big Texan Steakhouse. They have several Cadillac limousines that will come to the truck stop and ferry you to the steak house and then give you a ride back. It's all free except give the guy or gal a tip (only for you cheap a$$ fu*#ers). I gave them 2 bucks each way so it cost me 4 bucks altogether. They are working people and not sure how much the job pays for them to pick up slubs at truck stops but this slub appreciates good service and I pay accordingly.
They have a 72 oz steak challenge which I have never tried before because I don't want to die. There are people who have won the free 72 oz steak by following the rules (listed on their site and in the restaurant) and I am sure these people had gastric anomalies for the next few days until they gave birth to a Hindenburg sized dump. I may look like I can eat that much being ~350 lbs (and losing it following Keto and intermittent fasting) but fatboy plans on living much longer into the future and eating a 72 oz steak is simply asking for sweet death to visit you. They have a decent menu with lots of offerings especially if you are into beef. From a discussion I had with one of the Big Texan employees they butcher their own meat. The atmosphere and food are good and beat any truck stop fare in my opinion. One last thing about the Big Texan, they do have limited truck parking behind the restaurant and they have their very own motel.
Amarillo Texas 34 Hour Reset - Trucker Tourist Things to Do - Cadillac Ranch
There are things about Texas and Amarillo that make them unique. Its kind of like Tennessee where the favorite house decorations are hubcaps off of old Buick's and Ford Pintos. In Texas, they go bigger and better. Instead of using just the hubcap they use the whole vehicle as a decoration and then call it art. In 1974 three artists (not from Texas) decided they wanted to add to the art world that only one of those snobby New York artist could only dream of. They half buried 10 Cadillac's in the Texas dirt. Our man on the scene and science correspondent for Trucker Reviews, Professor Oscar P. Spinnaker, analyzed the dirt and found it was composed of 25% cow dung (probably explains the smell in Amarillo) 73% pure Texas dirt, 1% New Mexico dirt (from high winds) and 1% moisture from the Ogallala Aquifer (Oscar recommends you look that one up if you don't know anything about it).
Because of urban sprawl and protests by Yuppies, in 1997, the Cadillac's were relocated 3 miles west from their original location. If you are driving through you can see this landmark display of Tennessee caliber artistry (on a Texas scale) just west of Amarillo between mile markers 62 and 60 on the south side of I-40. Don't forget to bring a can of spray paint with you because they encourage graffiti on the Cadillac's (the buried ones and not the ones driven by the tourist). There is room to park a big truck provided it isn't tourist season. Parking is on the service road between exits 60 and 62 on the south side of the I-40. Otherwise you will have to park at a truck stop and either Uber or Lyft over to the Cadillac Ranch site. Lyft is recommended over Uber.
40 miles~ east of the Cadillac Ranch you can find the Volkswagen Ranch at exit 96. Also located on south side of I-40 the Volkswagen Ranch is the sardonic version of the Cadillac Ranch. They also allow graffiti so bring your spray paint and knock yourself out.
Amarillo Texas 34 Hour Reset - Conclusion
Discovering Amarillo is like leaving the bar at 2 am with a 10 only to find out when you wake up at 10 am she is really a 2. What do you do? That truly depends on a couple of factors. Are you at her place or yours? Either way your screwed unless she is a heavy sleeper. Hopefully she did go to sleep and didn't stay up all night watching you sleep and thinking she finally found the man of her dreams. If that's the case, we'll submit a prayer request for you at the local church you poor bastard. So if you're stuck in Amarillo for an extended stay stick to the plan outlined above lest the trucking industry suffer further driver shortages.
Okay, how much more can I bleat on about things to do in Amarillo, Texas except for you dumb fu#*ing scoundrels who chase lot lizards and likely have type 35 herpes simplex 489.6. Those c#*ts can GFY because you are contributing to human trafficking and that's really bad and a form of modern day slavery. While I'm not a snobby bastard (I don't hold my nose in the air or lift my pinky finger when drinking my wine) I do have have scruples. For you dumb fu^*ers look it up. Scruples means when I pay for it I don't have a half off coupon or BOGOF deal. I also wear a raincoat because maximum protection of Stanley (the power drill) is of utmost importance. You won't catch me in the bathroom or shower at Loves screaming because some wench burned me with an unknown viral/bacterial plaque. Now go truck it up and enjoy your job. C%*ts!!!!